6/24/10

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's Twitter War

If you don’t know what’s going on, watch or read Tom Stoppard’s play “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead”. Now.

Also, try to guess which of us played which character. It should be relatively easy.

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Why did the chicken cross the road? via Tweetdeck at 2:13PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz Why do you want to know? #questions #imwinning via Twitteriffic 2:13PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Weren’t you watching the feather-coated bird as it trekked across the paved road? via Tweetdeck at 2:15PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz Was it something to watch? #questions #imstillwinning via Twitteriffic 2:16PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Are you blind? #questions #guildysucks via Tweetdeck at 2:16PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz What is blindness? #questions #Rosysux via Twitteriffic at 2:17PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Have you a dictionary or encyclopedia? via Tweetdeck at 2:18PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz Will you lend me yours? #questions #FU via Twitteriffic at 2:19PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Didn’t I lend it to you last time, you ninny? via Tweetdeck at 2:19PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz When was last time? #questions #imstillwinning via Twitteriffic at 2:19PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Wasn’t it around the same time you last tweeted without a hashtag? via Tweetdeck at 2:19PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz Oh is that what they’re called? #questions #nowiknow via Twitteriffic at 2:20PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Did you not hear our bosom buddy Hamlet call them that, Gentle Guildy? via Tweetdeck at 2:22PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz Wasn’t that yesternight while we supped? #questions #grrrrrrrrr via Twitteriffic at 2:24PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged You mean you’ve figured out when and where we are?! via Tweetdeck at 2:24PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz You mean you haven’t?! #questions #SOCONFUSED via Twitteriffic at 2:25PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Should I have? #questions #shortnsweet via Tweetdeck at 2:25PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz What kept you from figuring it out? #questions #iwillfuckingwin via Twitteriffic at 2:25PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged Is it not, if you think about it, still keeping me from figuring it out? #questions #guildysucks via Tweetdeck at 2:26PM

@Guildyascharged @Questioncrantz I…ye…oh fuck this. #FINEYOUWIN #youbastard #Rosysux #ohandBTWitsheads via Twitteriffic at 2:27PM

@Questioncrantz @Guildyascharged So that’s three-love, isn’t it? #IPwnAtQuestions via Tweetdeck at 2:27PM

More fictional character tweets

Garrett started helping.

Mine:
Gregor Samsa:
@Bugaboo As long as I’m stuck here on my bed, I might as well introduce myself to the internet. Hello, internet. I am getting good at typing with my antennae. #madskillz

Dorian Grey:
@BeautyEterne Got me a pretty picture. Of me. It’s so pretty. I’m so pretty. I’m really too pretty for this picture, but I’ll keep it anyway. Gonna go have sex with eight girls now.

Lemuel Gulliver:
@LiliputnGiant These Houyhnhnms are a hoot, and very smart. But don’t try to ride them. Ever. Ever. Everrrr. #owie #gutcheck

Garrett’s (@licensedpoet on Tumblr):

Macbeth, Macbeth
@ThaneofGlamis My wife is insane. Really. I tell her I had a dream about breakfast waffles and she demands that I kill the king and raid his cupboard or no sex. #WTF #FML

Voldemort, Harry Potter series
@DkLrdKillPtr4TW @LusciousLucius You’re late with my prophecy. If you’re not back here by midnight I’m turning your wife into a whorecrux. That goes for all of you. #DeathEatrz

Slim, Of Mice and Men
@SlimButPowerful @KillBigFellas Thought u oughtta kno ur wife was hangin round Candy’s bunk last nite. She lookd a lil flustred when I came in. Mayb u should get lojack 4her. XD

Roland Deschain, The Dark Tower series
@LastGunslingr Made it past the edge of the forest without killing Eddie. He kept telling his so-called “dead baby jokes”.  Tomorrow he shall build the fire. With his teeth.

Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye
@C4tcht3hRy3now Walking in the park. These ppl are all fakes. Fake smiles & fake jeans. Phonies. If you read this you’re probably phony, too. #peoplewatching #existntlangst

15 Famous Literary Characters and Their Tweets

Hamlet:
@2BRN2B  Denmark is rotten. Gonna go to England w/ Ros and Guil. Maybe sum1 will off me on the way. #FML  #lifeispain

Frankenstein’s monster:
@Frankieboy  God rest my poor father’s soul. On the bright side, now I can invite that skunk-haired hottie over whenever I want. #gettinglaidtonight

Odysseus:
@travelinman  @penelopechicka, love you lots. Rough day for me. Naked fish-women and gigantic one-eyed fatties. Be home in 5 years.
                          
King Arthur:
@Pendrag0n Waterlogged female just hucked a sword at me. I feel powerful. #gonnabeamightyking

Peter Pan:
@nevergunnagrowup  @WENDYBIRD IS A SMELLY POOPHEAD FOR NOT CUMMING BAK 2 C ME LOL J/K ILU WENDY

Sherlock Holmes:
@Deduceme  Watson just threw my violin out the window. He had no right. It’s only 4 o’clock in the morning. Oh, and I’m out of tobacco. #lifeispain

Don Quixote:
@theonlyDon RT @spanza That is the last time I launch a full-scale attack on a windmill. Can I have my island and be governor now? #soretomorrow #oyvey

Elizabeth Bennet:
@LizzieBee OMG @CharChar I have news!!! U can prolly guess it’s about @MisterDarcy!!! BTW how is @WillieCollie? You preggers yet???

Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde:
@Jekyde sdofiawfnowfaslkfha;sdloiwenhvfavwokfiaskjfhasofiuaewg Evidently Hyde’s fingers are too big to fit on the keys. #haha #laughingwhileican #godiamsoscared

Alice Liddell:
@Curiouser Tweedledee and Tweedledum just asked me for a threeway. Somehow this just seems like the lay of the land. #atleastitwasnotthehatter

Ebenezer Scrooge:
@fuckoff  Not going to be on Twitter again. Stopped paying internet bill to save money. @Cratchitman, if you so much as look like you’re complaining, you’re fired.

The Ancient Mariner:
@heysailor I can never get that thing about the albatross straight. Am I supposed to shoot it or not? I think I will. Damn thing just shat on my lookout’s head.

Bilbo Baggins:
@Bagginsforever Saw @mithrandir take @Ringbearer01 into the house. Both came out two hours later looking tired and sad. #whatisgoingon #ismynephewgay

Hester Prynne:
@ImsoPrynney Pearl just threw up in the laundry. @Dalesdimme, little help? She’s yours too. #oops #perhapsishouldnthavesaidthat #ohwhofuckingcares

Dracula:
@IVantU: Stephanie Meyer, I’m coming for you. This madness must end. 

6/1/10

No Child Left Behind Strikes Again

Those of you on Facebook have probably already read this before, but I'm going to repost it here.

November 2009

Recently I found a family of cats living on the edge of the woods that border my apartment complex. Being who I am, I started feeding them and earning their trust.

It has been almost two weeks and Mama and the babies are relatively comfortable around me.

Tonight I brought them their food as usual, but instead of waiting for me to call to them, they met me at the edge of the parking lot, meowing and being, as kittens are, rampantly cute.

I sat down with them, which is part of the trust-gaining process. Occasionally I'd reach out and pet a kitten to acclimate them to my touch, but otherwise I sat peacefully and kept watch.

I heard a soft cooing voice, a human voice, off to my right. A girl, younger than me but not by much, was creeping out between two cars, trying her best to be quiet. I smiled at her.

"Aww, little cats!" she said. "I've never seem them so little!"

By that I thought she meant she'd never seen young kittens before. Which I chalked up to not having been around animals much. I made conversation.

"Aren't they cute? I found them a couple weeks ago. I'm trying to get them to trust me so I can take them to a shelter to find homes. The mama cat's all right, but the kittens are still wary."

"Kittens?" she asked.

"Yeah. All six."

"Is that what they're called?"

I was slightly confused. Did she think I named all the kittens "Kitten"? I asked, "What do you mean?"

"Little cats. Baby cats. Do you call them kittens?"

"Y-yes." Did she really not know what baby cats were called?

"Where's the daddy cat? Doesn't he take care of the kittens too?"

Confusion bloomed into bewilderment, but I kept it off my face. "Well, no. The dad doesn't have much to do with them anymore."

She clicked her tongue. "He's a sucky dad then."

This girl caught me completely off guard. I was too flabbergasted to be alarmed when she suddenly reached into the cluster of bodies around the food bowl, which of course provoked all seven into near-teleportation out of there. She jumped back and looked hurt, but only momentarily. Once the newness of the heretofore-unnamed kittens was gone, she lost interest and wandered away, leaving me alone with wet cat kibble, fur on my shirt and a whirlwind in my mind.

Had this girl never, until just an hour ago, encountered even the word "kitten"? Was she never taught that not all animals raise their young like humans do? I thought that was something you learned in primary school. Surely she'd come across a kitten somewhere, at least in an "A is For Aardvark" book...

To the parents and teachers of this child:

Where the hell are you??